Monday, June 23, 2008

Today's Special Is...Weirdly!

Stone Child by Bernita Harris in Weirdly Anthology

To order from Amazon, click here.

Bernita Harris' blog

You know what to do. Read the excerpt. Answer the questions.

Soon, we waded through a mist that slithered and stretched like arms to catch at our feet.

Will trampted ahead of me, stiffly alert, carrying the shotgun at port. Once, where the trail twisted into another defile, he took a combat stance and swung the gun up.

"No, Will! " I said sharply.

"Something big moved over there by that rock face," he said.

"Maybe it did," I said in a milder tone. "I wouldn't be surprised if we have company, maybe had it all along. And maybe, if I can trust you not to buckshot my ass, I should take point."

"It's still daylight."

"I wouldn't call this heavy overcast daylight and not for much longer. They are mist-walkers and shadow-benders, Will. And now that she's dead, there's nothing to hold them back. So don't excite them. Let me by."

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?
2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?
3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?


ChrisEldin said...

Good Morning Everybody!!!

I'm posting a bit early because I have to get my urchins off to camp. And being a non-stickler for rules, I agonized over what to do about the contest officially starting at 9am.

So I came up with a brilliant idea. I'll let Bernita decide when to open the contest.

Meanwhile, today's chat topic is seat cushions. Do you have one on your internet-sitting chair? Does it work? Are you satisfied with it?
Let's discuss until we see Bernita....

Bernita said...

Good morning, Chris - and thank you for having me!
Light 'er up!

ChrisEldin said...

Hi Bernita,

Good Morning!!

We'll save the seat cushion topic for a rainy day.


Travis Erwin said...

Bernita's weapon of choice has to be pen and paper.

And I'm guessing she deals with unexpected company by making up stories about them.

And I'm not touching that last question.

Travis Erwin said...

I guess I didn't do any actual roasting in my response, which is kind of the point right?

So back to that ass question. Being a writer and an active blogger he'd probably describe her as ass glued as in glued to the computer chair.

Yeah that is some might poor roasting but it's too dang early for witty thoughts.

laughingwolf said...

1: weapon of choice = wit
2: unexpected company goes into the stew pot :O lol
3: dunno hubby, so have to say: it's there ;)

Carolie said...

Hmmmm...will have to wing this.

1. Weapon of choice: reason (so few of us are actually armed!)

2. Smile beatifically, nod graciously, and go on with whatever she was doing.

3. I don't know Bernita's husband (or if she has one!) but I'd hope a loving husband would not answer such a question in public unless absolutely necessary...and if that was the case, he would say "perfect."

Carolie said...

Sorry...wasn't much of a "roast" but I'm not comfortable being wittily cruel to someone I don't know!

Bernita said...

Travis, pen and paper in a mist?
'Tis true I sometimes operate in a fog...

Well, Laughingwolf, I don't really care for stewed porcupine.

You are a sweetheart, Carolie. Yes, I do have a husband and he has been know to comment (privately) on my ass.

SzélsőFa said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

A metal-headed cane.

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

Starts talking about unexpected topics.

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

But he's so not doing it while anyone else's around.

jason evans said...

Bernita is the only person I know who I'm quite certain could weild a seat cushion as a deadly weapon.

Forget the floral print. This chick is kickin' herringbone.

Welcome to The Roast, all!

Brian Jay Jones said...

(1) A shadowbender. Or a pointed stick. Or a banana.
(2) Fills their asses with buckshot. Or capers, depending on what's in the oven.
(3) Stiffly alert.

Sam said...

Oh what fun!
I think Bernita would be armed with a walking stick (she fell off her bench the other day...) but the walking stick would be a rapier in disguise - rapier wit!

For unexpected company, Bernita whips up a cozy tea complete with a plate of freshly baked cupcakes.

Only one word? Would he say "Mine!"?


Bernita said...

Szelsofa, I'm always very careful not to say to him "bite me."

You DO know me, Jason! Except, I'm not tweedy - solid colours.

Brian, some say I have "Eyes of Death."

Cute, Sam! Do I give and "English" impression, I wonder.Hmmm.
~hides behind the tea wagon~

Whirlochre said...

1. A dragon-headed cane, her own disarming beauty and a wand for summoning a thousand cops.

2. Assumes sparrow form and flutters off to check them out. If they look OK, she lets them in; if not, she sets off cunning traps with her beak.

3. Ferpilicious.

JES said...

Weapon of choice: okay, if she's *wading* through a mist, which is curling about her feet, then I'm guessing Bernita is a marsh bird of some kind. Answer: her beak.

When she has unexpected company, she hides in the nest. (Beak at the ready.)

Bernita's husband would describe her ass as "unmissable." Which, I should point out, can be taken in more than one way.

Robyn said...

1) Her brain.

2) She'd smile, serve refreshments, then grumble later on her blog if they'd intruded on her writing time.

3) If he's smart, never in response to her question of his opinion.

I've already won a copy of the book *cheer* but happy roasting!

Bernita said...

Whirl, in our family secret language, a "ferple" is a small fart.

Jes, I've never had avian flu.

There's always take-out, Robyn, saves writing time.

Taking Chris's side-bar comment about insider stuff ( which sounds rather eyes left-eyes-right-lurky-lurky), let me pimp and say that "Corpse Candles" a sequel story to "Stone Child" comes out tomorrow in Weirdly II: Eldritch.

ChrisEldin said...

Ferpilicious? LOL, I hope I remember how to spell that in time to make it over to!

These are funny! Keep 'em rolling in!!!!

Precie said...

Yay, Bernita!!!!

1) A flamethrower. That should do away with the mist and some nasties right quick.

2) Put on a pot of tea, of course.

3) Luscious.

raine said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?
Huge Irish Wolfhound (and infrared goggles).

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?
Secure the LIBRARY!!

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?
Sam already used my answer, so I'll have to repeat it, lol..."Mine!"

Dennis Cass said...

1. Intuitive understanding of the undead, their likes, dislikes and hang-ups.

2. A pot of coffee and some cookies, unless, of course, you'd like to stay for dinner.

3. Utilitarian.

M.E Ellis said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

A = Verbal assault.

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

A= Curses the ess word?

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

A= peachy?


Dave F. said...

You want me to answer THOSE questions. WOW are you two brave...

1) Weapon in a mist: a flamethrower will disperse that mist real nice but a pen and paper will reduce that menace to an excellent chapter.
2) Unexpected guests: Open a can of Spam.
3) hmmm! George Carlin passed away. I could say something in Carlin's voice but, butt, but - - "with love" is my answer. I know it's two words, sue me.

I have Wierdly, BTW. It's an good read.

Vickie said...

Cushions for my internet chair....I sit in my very comfy Stickley leather recliner that DH got me (on sale, cuz who can afford that place when full price?). I use a laptop and in total bliss and comfort. Watch my sci-fi shows and hang in cyber hebbin'.....

Merry Monteleone said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

An extra large bottle of Blackberry Brandy... great for courage, rather tasty, and makes a nice little bludgeoning device as well.

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

Dashes her current wip into the secret batcave for safekeeping, and then leads them all in a festive dance.

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

If her husband is smart, "Firm"
If he's not so smart, "plump"

Bernita said...

A lovely idea, Precie, but a flamethrower loaded weighs almost as I do.

Raine, "secure the LIBRARY" - good one!
How about a hugh German Shepherd?
(I do have a fondness for Irish wolfhounds though.)

Dennis dear, if my husband EVER described my ass as "utilitarian" he'd be dead.

Emmy, how did you know I get mouthy at times?

Thank you, Dave. one has ever been served spam in my house.

Bernita said...

Nice to see you, Vickie.
My Lillie is fond of recliners.

"makes a nice little bludgeoning device as well"
I like that. Dual purpose/waste not, want not.

Sarah Laurenson said...

1) Weapon in a fog? Coffee or a nice strong Earl Grey.

2) Unexpected Company? My beagle howls and the unexpected company tends to disappear. Bernita's too nice to chase them off though. How about serving them coffee or a nice strong Earl Grey.

3) They have a secret family language? Hmmmm. Difficult. My fall back answer is too long. Luscious is already taken. Taken? Sort of like mine, but perhaps a bit more sophisticated. ;-)

Charles Gramlich said...

)OK, keeping in mind that this is a roast:

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

I'm thinking an EMP would be appropriate. Considering what Bernita writes, might not an electromagnetic pulse be a suitable tactic to use against ghostly/ghoulie types of dangers?

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

She makes lemonaid from her lemons, meaning, she fries up some of the guests and serves them to the others. In this way she is the perfect hostess.

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

I'm thinking her husband would describe any ass as a "donkey." He seems like an intelligent guy with a fine vocabulary. Perhaps he might call it an "onager." I doubt he'd ever curse at it, though. I'm sure Bernita's ass is well behaved and hardly ever brays.

Bernita said...

"Bernita's too nice to chase them off though."

Heh, heh, Sarah, heh, heh.
What guests get offered depends on whether they are driving or not.

EMP, Charles, is only one of the items in Lillie's arsenal.
"I'm sure Bernita's ass is well behaved and hardly ever brays."
I nearly wet my chair cushions over that one.

Dear me, this is going to be so hard to pick a winner.

cindy said...

1. baddie slaying magic abilities!

2. she'd invite them in for tea and yummy baked goodies.

3. two handfuls of love--oh wait, ONE word. =)

Vickie said...

Weapon of choice in a mist: Honkin' biggest MagLite made

Unexpected company: Did they bring anything to eat?? Any kind of token goddess that she is worshipping gift?? That would then depend if they were let in the door....

How does Bernita's husband describe her ass in one word? Carefully.....

Bernita said...

" baddie slaying magic abilities!"

Ohh, Cindy, wish I did!

Aine said...

1. Her eyes-- that deadly glare, the one that her children know well.

2. Turn off the computer and make tea, naturally.

3. feminine.

Bernita said...

Vickie, I do have a honking big MagLite, but...
Yes! Gifts are nice!

Bernita said...

"that deadly glare" - they do indeed, Aine!
Why does everyone seem to think I serve tea?

ChrisEldin said...

Your avatar soooo says "drinking tea in the sunroom"


Sarah Laurenson said...

I bow to the ass master, oh Charles.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

1. A fan
2. Frozen cheesecake and champagne.
3. Not-fat. (in those pants)

sex scenes at starbucks said...

My seat cushion is the naturally built-in kind--the sort Bernita's husband dances around in conversation.

Bernita said...

"Frozen cheesecake and champagne."
SS, you're my kind of girl!

Maybe I'd better change it then, Chris - and dye my hair.
I have that stuff, the service and the wagon - gathering dust and tarnish.

BernardL said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice? Experience

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company? Garden Tour

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word? Charismatic


Sarah Hina said...

1) Her pen, for revising that mist into sparkling sun

2) Drive them into a plot hole.

3) *drools*

Jaye Wells said...

I own Weirdly (and love it) so don't enter me, but i had to play along.

1. Bernita has no need of pedestrian weaponry. If an unexpected foul beastie set upon her, she would slay them with her sharp tongue.

2. Please refer to no. 1

3. Wise

Bernita said...

"Garden tour."
Bernard, you've been doing that MapQuest thing!

A plot hole! GOOD one, Sarah!

#3, Jaye, that cracks me up...

Jeff said...

Like Jaye, I already have a copy of Weirdly, so no need to enter my name in the contest, but I wanted to join in the fun. :)

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

A dragon-headed cane equipped with a hidden trigger that fires a deadly accurate laser beam from the tip.

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

Orders Dominos 3 for $15 pizza deal! (Provided they have Dominos in Canada, of course).
If not, she could always go with a bucket of KFC!

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

I don't know Bernita's husband, but I'm guessing his answer would be "nice."

Bernita said...

Hee, Jeff, that would be one cool cane!

laughingwolf said...

#3... shoulda said - SMART :P lol

Bernita said...

~grins at Laughingwolf~

Dave F. said...

Hi again.
Weirdly #2 goes on sale tomorrow. The last time I downloaded it, they had to email it to me. I blamed it on my dial-up connection. Now I have a cable modem and I'll have to see what happens. It will work.

I will buy the printed copy. It's much easier for me to read all of the stories. Towards Christmas time I gather up all my books from the last year and decide what to give as gifts. Weirdly will probably be on the list for someone this year.

One thing I wonder, Bernita, will there be a third short story or will the novel be next?

Bernita said...

Thank you very much, Dave!
~beams at Dave~
I've just begun to query the novel in my timid fashion. That process can take a long time.

Miss Savannah Spitfire: said...

Miss Bernita, my darlin', your words are wonderfully put together.

And I can't even imagine your sweet husband using the word 'ass' to describe you at all. Or that you even have one.

But I canimagine you given' him the 'what for' if he ever did, in a way most women would kill to be able to replicate.

Shona Snowden said...

Our first official roast. It's great to see so many clustered around the oven.

Funny, funny, you are all very funny. I have a favourite answer already, but, alas, I'm not judging. Good luck, Bernita!

ChrisEldin said...

LOL!! These responses are hysterical!!

Fifty minutes and counting....

Still loads of time to get your guesses in!

Bernita said...

Miss Savannah, ma belle, thank you for those kind words.

Shona, I was thinking of making Chris choose.

Chris, when do I give the real answers to the questions?

Phoenix said...

Ooh, these answers are all so sinfully delicious!

Bernita, you may divulge after 9 pm ET as soon as Roast Master Chris closes the contest. Or take what time you need to make a decision as to who came closest. But don't keep us on the hook too long!

blueviolet said...

1) her methane bombs
2) she scolds them for being late
3) equipped


Shona Snowden said...

"Shona, I was thinking of making Chris choose."

Ah, but, Bernita, who but you would know your husband's pet word for your elegant derriere?

Bernita said...

Chris? CHRIS!

ChrisEldin said...

Thanks everybody for playing!
The contest is now closed, and Bernita will post the 'correct' answers and the winner in this section.
Stay tuned!!!


Bernita said...

First, thank you Chris and your sous chefs, Jason, Phoenix, Shona, Miss Savannah and Blogless for this lovely opportunity.
I kiss your hands and feet.
And thank you everyone for your funny/sweet/clever entries.

1. Now I might shock you.
If I were wading through mist in wild country similar to the excerpt,I would probably carry my 30-30 Winchester.

2. Unexpected company: Offered coffee, pop, juice, wine or tea. Depending on the people, purpose, and time of day, possibly breakfast, lunch or dinner. Depends on what's in the fridge.There is always take-out. Bernard is right. A garden tour would likely be included.
3.One word? Lovely.That's his word. My husband tells me I have a lovely ass. And no, I have never asked him if these jeans etc. "make my ass look fat."

And, Oh Dear Lord, there were so many great entries!
I have to say though that Carles is the winner for sheer creativity.

ChrisEldin said...

AHAHAHAH! Bernita, Now we want lovely pics!

Thanks so much for participating and supporting the roast!!!

Thanks to everyone for dropping by and playing!!!

And congratulations Charles!

Shona Snowden said...

Heh, heh, so many great entries, and yet not one that had all the right answers! A Winchester, who'd have guessed it from that cultured avatar?

It was Charles's third answer that was my favourite - his interpretation of ass was just hilarious. Congratulations Charles, a worthy winner.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Chumplet said...

Sorry I was late to the party. I worked all day and then the car broke down and then I had to go over my galley and I'm only on page 59 and WAAAAHHHH!

Congratulations to Charles, the winner of Bernita's lovely book.

Charles Gramlich said...

Me! Wow! Really! It's me? Cool. Thanks Bernita. And thanks Chris for hosting. It was fun.

Bernita said...

Shauna, I was taught how to lock 'n load at age six.

Blueviolet's word "equipped" was an interesting choice!

Sandra, that damned car!

Charles, e-mail me your address and I'll send it off.
Thank you everyone, again and again.

laughingwolf said...

grats charles! very well done ;)

Barbara Martin said...

weapon of choise: her pen.
unexpected company: shown to the back room, flip a lever and they fall into the basement while the trap door closes over top.
what her husband would say about her ass: just how he likes 'em.

I can't say I've been very imaginative here, but I don't know Bernita. I'll have to read more of her posts on her blog.

fairyhedgehog said...

1) If Bernita is wading through a mist, what would be her weapon of choice?

Compressed air. Gets rid of mist, gets rid of baddies.

2) What does Bernita do when she has unexpected company?

Hides in her study and pretends she's not in and if the visitors persist then she writes them into her current book.

3) How would Bernita's husband describe her ass, using one word?

"Very nice, dear."

(Q. Do you know the secret to a long and happy married life? A. Yes, dear.)

If he's only allowed one word, then I suppose it will have to be "Fine", because that's about as non-committal as it gets.

Bernita said...

Hee, Barbara and Fairy! I like those solutions for unexpected guests!

sexy said...


fairyhedgehog said...

Does anyone know how to complain to Blogger about this? The spammer doesn't have a blog so I don't see how to complain.