Monday, September 8, 2008

Monday Morning Mogul: Evil Editor

On April 23, 2006, an editor opened his blog with an existential question: Am I Evil?


Not really bothering too much with any gray area between goodness and evil, he went on to say:


Tell me if this is evil. You spend two years creating your masterpiece, the great American novel. 600 pages of blood, sweat and tears. You package it up and ship it to Evil Editor with a self-addressed envelope. I remove it from its package, spend thirty seconds reading the first page, roll my eyes, and toss the manuscript onto a pile in the corner. Eight months later I e-mail you a rejection letter because I'm too lazy to walk out to my mailbox and mail you a hard copy. Besides, I can't mail you anything, because I long ago steamed the stamp off your self-addressed envelope and used it to send my 1st wife a letter explaining that she won't be getting any more child support because I blew all my spare cash paying my divorce lawyer to see that I got the Ferrari when my 2nd wife dumped me.


No doubt that's what all writers assume happens when they submit a manuscript. And for the most part, they're right. But occasionally editors have legitimate reasons for rejecting work. As a public service, I'm taking the liberty of publishing excerpts from actual query letters I've received, letters that would have made me cry, if I weren't too busy laughing.

*****


The wit, the sarcasm, the cruelty of EE have had the apparently unexpected result of spurring several minions on to actual publishing success. It appears that in place of doing evil, EE is actually doing good.

While he constantly denies this, the Book Roast team has discovered cracks in the veil of evil under which EE wants to live (notice masterful use of mixed metaphors. That's the kind of talent we have. That's the kind of talent that ensures we will never...sniff...)

*****************************************************

What kind of pet should EE have as a mascot for his evil? We've provided a few options below. Or, do you think in the photo he sent, he's squishing the puppy in an effort to further prove his evil?




Let's discuss.....puppies, pets, the nature of evil, clipart, books, and the real name of EE's dog...


***** PRIZE: $25.00 Amazon gift certificate to the first person who correctly guesses the name of EE's real life dog*****


We at the Book Roast would like to thank EE for his support of our blog. As an unsung hero, he helped with some of the behind-the-scenes artistry of the Book Roast blog. Thank you!


If you'd like to visit EE and/or put your writing up for ridicule, click here.


*Disclaimers:

Only one puppy was harmed in the making of this post. Don't try this at home. Thirty-day money back guarantee. Do not mix alchohol with medication (oh wait, that's a different editor). If EE doesn't wish to disclose the real name of his dog, the winner will be the one with the funniest name.

106 comments:

ChrisEldin said...

Good Morning All!!

:-)

Evil Editor said...

You might want to rethink the 6 AM starting time.

Chumplet said...

Good morning, Blogland! Where's EE? C'mon, somebody throw the puppy at him and wake him up.

Chumplet said...

Oh, there he is... Is the puppy okay? He didn't knock your glasses off, did he?

Robin S. said...

Hi, EE!

Chumplet said...

I'll bet Chris put her 'good morning' on auto and she's not even here.

Evil Editor said...

Morning

Chumplet said...

I had a beagle once. My dad named her Snoopy. His naming skills boggle the mind.

Evil Editor said...

Is this it? When does something happen?

Chumplet said...

Nobody's had their coffee yet. It starts slow then picks up through the day. Not like the Mach 4 speed on your site, EE.

Robin S. said...

Don't be mean.

Oh yeah. That's right.

Robin S. said...

EE, are you actually gonna tell us the name of a puppy of yours?

Because if so, I'm gonna work on that.

Leatherdykeuk said...

I used to read EE all the time until I realised his blog was the root cause of most of my depression about writing. I stopped reading him when Miss Snark died.

Thanks for bringing him back to mind.

Evil Editor said...

I've made no agreement to name dogs. Correct guesses will be acknowledged.

Evil Editor said...

Obviously we need to set up a couple times I will be present. We can't be refreshing the screen all day. I suggest noon eastern and 4PM eastern.

Evil Editor said...

Naturally others will be around all day for chatting, possibly including me, but those will be the times I'm guaranteed to be here.

Chumplet said...

9 am is a good time. People have settled in their desks at work and are prepared to waste time. In a good way, of course...

Evil Editor said...

Did you ever feel like you're talking to yourself?

Evil Editor said...

9 AM one place is 6 AM another.

ril said...

Did you ever feel like you're talking to yourself?

I do most of my talking that way...

inherwritemind1 said...

Only one puppy was harmed in the making of this post.

Chris, you are treading on dangerous territory. I am an avid dog lover.

The name of EE's puppy? I'll bite. It's Phang.

Evil Editor said...

I'm sticking ewith noon. West coast US is settling in at work, east coast is on lunch break, everyone can be here. Even the roastmaster.

ChrisEldin said...

And I was starting to think blogland was populated by decaffeinated ho's. :-)

It's true. EE wasn't aware of the prize. But I'm really curious and willing to pay for it.
hehehehe

But if you read the small print, he can also pick the funniest one....


Noon and 4pm sound terrific, as well as the randomness in between! Things do actually get going around lunchtime.
:-)

Chumplet said...

Well, that opens things up, doesn't it? 9 a.m. across several time zones equals a lot of people settling at their desks for a great time!

ril said...

Ooh, 1:00am. Count me sleeping.

Glad I could stop by and say "Hi", though.



Uh... Hi.

Evil Editor said...

Finally, someone important shows up.

ChrisEldin said...

We have "Phang!"

That's a good one!
:-)

Evil Editor said...

And of course I'm referring to inherwritemind1.

ril said...

Finally, someone important shows up.

Nice timing! Looks like you're talking about me!

Chumplet said...

Nice, Evil. I'm going to make coffee now.

ChrisEldin said...

Have to haul the Things to school, but will be back...
:-)

Chumplet said...

After that nice painting I did of you. I gave you a chin and everything... sniff.

Evil Editor said...

What time is it there ril? 10 PM?

ril said...

9:40pm, yeah. I have to join a conference call to the States at 10 though... Whoopee.

Evil Editor said...

Painting? Where is it?

Evil Editor said...

I'm in the states. What's the phone number? I'll join in.

Evil Editor said...

What are we going to be discussing?

ril said...

If I thought you would...

Robin S. said...

No dog naming?
Well, that makes it...intersting.

Just tell me this- girl or boy?

Noon and four - OK.

Robin S. said...

Oooooh, can I be on the call as well? I'll be quiet. I promise.

freddie said...

I'm here. For a few minutes, anyway.

ril said...

So, would you get all freaked out if someone actually guessed the name right?

mb said...

I'm guessing the dog's name is Weredingo.

Robin S. said...

Hey freddie!

ril, if he gets on the call - I gotta know. I'll send you my direct work number in DC.

Evil Editor said...

No one's going to guess the names, so it'll have to be a prize to the funniest.

Robin S. said...

Girl or boy? Or both?

ril said...

No one's getting on the call with me -- more than my job is worth. Not much of a stretch, mind you...

Chumplet said...

The painting was a prize on the EE Anniversary Blog.

Evil Editor said...

I have to post Robin's new beginning now, but I can't decide between two good continuations.

ril said...

No one's going to guess the names...

Is that a prediction or an instruction?

freddie said...

Howdy, Robin.

I need more caffeine to think of a good name.

Evil Editor said...

Both.

That painting? I thought some guy did that.

Evil Editor said...

Instruction.

Robin S. said...

Yeah. I can just see it here if I said - oh sorry- on our Eurasian Affairs conference call, I have an editor coming on - do - don't know his name - and a guy in Japan - nope- don't know his name either...
but I really know them. I do.

Pink slipping ensues...

Chumplet said...

'Twas me.

The dog's name is Passive Agressive Psycho Bitch.

Evil Editor said...

Antony B. That's who did the painting I'm thinking of.

ril said...

Well my call is a status update with my boss, and she'd hearing you all breathing and giggling like you do, so I can't risk it.

Chumplet said...

I think there's two Gs in Aggressive. There we go...

Robin S. said...

Both. Good to know.

Well, ril, have fun on your call, freddie, have fun in your classes, EE, have fun with your puppies,
chumplet, have fun giving grief to our boy.

Gotta work. See you around noon.

freddie said...

I'm gonna guess "Cerberus."

Do we get more than one guess?

Evil Editor said...

Giggling? We'll just tell her you deserve a raise. We can be very persuasive.

Robin S. said...

How did you know I breathe and giggle?

Damn. You DO know me, ril.

Anyway, back later with names.
First guess for the girl- Stella.

Chumplet said...

Mine was a caricature of a handsome dude ripping a query in half.

Stephen Parrish said...

Mange. But I get two guesses, since I work here. My second guess is Wafto. It just seems like something EE would name his dog.

ril said...

It's very tempting, but I'm not quite ready to devote myself to the ascetic life of an unpublished dilettante author, yet...

Evil Editor said...

Stellllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaa!

Robin S. said...

Exactly, EE!

Now I really have to go do stuff.
Back at noonish.

Evil Editor said...

Found the painting. Who won it?

Evil Editor said...

Bye, Rob.

ril said...

OK, I have to go radio the mothership and see if it's time to start the invasion yet. Might drop in later, but I guess noone'll be here then...

'bye.

Evil Editor said...

Seeya.

Chumplet said...

Um, I think it was Kiersten who won it.

Evil Editor said...

I better not see that painting on ebay.

freddie said...

Gotta run, too. Bye all.

Evil Editor said...

Bye freddie.

Evil Editor said...

Okay, I'll be back at noon eastern for sure. Keep the party going, if there's anyone still here.

Chumplet said...

I'll be back and forth.

Whirlochre said...

I have no idea what time it is anywhere but it's looking like Book Roast is the place to be, whenever.

So — EE's pooch.

I'll bypass all the heroes of Greek myth, and anything he might have wanted to call a dog before he actually picked it up and permitted tongue access.

It'll be something to do with this particular dog — some characteristic mark or whimper (or comical telekinetic prowess).

Call me psychic, but I'm going with...Jim.

Bill Cameron said...

It's 6am here in normal human time, (Pacific Daylight Time) and already 77 people have visited? I guess I should have set my clock for earlier.

Bill Cameron said...

Oh, and Cerberus. Which, until last Wednesday I thought was Cerebrus.

Bill Cameron said...

Oh, except someone beat me to Cerberus. Well, then Steve. Who ever heard of a dog named Steve?

Stephen Parrish said...

Who ever heard of a dog named Steve?

Don't anybody answer in the affirmative.

ChrisEldin said...

The ground is too fertile not to let Steve the Bitch jokes go untold....

Just messing with you!!!

Please keep the guesses rolling in! The prize is for real.
:-)

EE will be back at high noon...

Chumplet said...

I already guessed Passive Aggressive Psycho Bitch, but I guess that wouldn't go over so well with the neighbours.

Bubbles The Trailer Park Boy named a mountain lion Steve French.

Julie Weathers said...

Hey, EE.

*hangs head in shame*

I overslept.

Precie said...

Since Cerberus was taken...twice, I'll say Hades. If we're allowed to guess more than once, here are all of mine:

1) Hades
2) Wolfe (after Tom Wolfe, his favorite author)
3) Fluffy (the hairless chihuahua)
4) Indiana (yeah, he's a BIG Harrison Ford fan)
5) Chewie (Only because Chewbacca would be a bit too long...mainly so he can frequently say, "Laugh it up, furball.")

Natalie said...

Whew, you were all up early. But hello!

I'll throw a guess in...let's see...

Sir Conrad

Julie Weathers said...

I'm trying to think of an appropriate name for a Beagle. They are probably registered so it's hard telling what their logical names would be.

Gabby
Phideaux
Phunk

ChrisEldin said...

Great guesses, all!!
How about up to five guesses per person--sounds like a good number...
:-)

Julie Weathers said...

Who ever heard of a dog named Steve?

I gave away a dog I had traded for sight unseen. She was singularly ugly and I gave her to the guy on conditions he would spay her. He loved her so much he named her after me.

I was...underwhelmed.

Steve is no worse than an ugly bitch named Julie.

Julie Weathers said...

Oh, we get five guesses?

Let me get some coffee and think.

Julie Weathers said...

Wiley E. Quixote

Bernita said...

Widdle. Or Puke.

M. G. Tarquini said...

I think Evil Editor's dog's name is Spot. Or Boy, as in 'Here, Boy!' Maybe even Rover. Possibly Fido. Something terribly cliché that makes good conversation at cocktail parties because nobody ever names his dog Spot, or Boy, or Rover or Fido because it's so cliché. Which makes Evil Editor edgy.

Or maybe that's what he'd name his cat.

There now. Do I win? Is there something else I have to do? Is anybody serving lattes?

ChrisEldin said...

Puke AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
The cat in my WIP is named Vomit.
:-)

Great guesses all! I hope EE will unveil his puppy. yanno....

Precie said...

LOL, why thanks, Chris...5 turns out to be quite a convenient number of guesses. :)

Isn't it noon yet? I missed EE's early morning appearances.

Kiersten said...

I have Chumplet's painting. It's not going on eBay, don't worry. I'm just saving up for the professional, gold-leafed framing.

Oh, EE, what did I ever do before I discovered your blog? Besides actually accomplishing stuff during the day. And being confident in my openers. And writing query letters I *thought* were good.

The puppy...let's see.

Snoopy (did anyone else ever realize that Snoopy looks nothing, NOTHING like a beagle?)

Grisham (but I'm fairly certain you *like* the pooch, so that's probably out)

CM (short for chick-magnet)

Connie (who, after all, said nothing of the dog)

Well, that's it for me. I'll try to pop back on when you're here again.

mlh said...

Oh, wow! So many good guesses and Chris is letting us have up to five.

Name that dog...

1: Orpheus - because of his futile quest in regaining his true love from the underworld only to mess it up at the end. It's the reason why so many manuscripts get rejected. Good beginning. Bad end.

2: Fluffy - because I'm thinking that if he is truly evil, than what could be more embarrassing for a dog than naming it this.

3: Piddle - well, if he really doesn't like the manuscript, then...

4: SASE - from his heartfelt request toward those people who don't include one with their hard copy.

5: Mini EE - what could be better than naming a dog after yourself?

freddie said...

Guess number two: Cujo.

freddie said...

Guess number three: Baskerville

Charles Gramlich said...

I consulted my Ouiji board and it said EE's dog's name was "His Satanic Majesty."

laughingwolf said...

darwin, of course...

Dave F. said...

What kind of Pet EE would have?

maybe: A pet armadillo because it's all about roadkill out there (and that includes your query too)... And besides, they carry leprosy. When your fingers fall off, you can't type anymore.

maybe: a slightly-out-of-fashion yapping chihuahua with teeth. Actually the last time a chihuahua tried to molest me and bite my ankles I ran over it with my wheelchair. But that's another matter.

maybe: a Saint Bernard. They're big, stinky, slobbery too - and love to play in the snow. There's a big Mexican business opportunity in shaved St Bernards. Another benefit, you can stuff pillow in the spring when they shed.

maybe: those cute little forest creatures from South Park ... (if you know, you know. If you don't, well wear protection against splattering blood). Hee Hee Hee Hee

I named my doggie "pooch" he was a ten pound furball and didn't deserve a doggie name until he peed all over the furniture and carpet. I never saw that dog drink but I sure saw his water-spots all over the world.

Just maybe, that's all.

peggy said...

morning guys, you guys are funny today!
Evil editors dogs name is Reject..
Frankendog
Damn Dog is husbands guess LOL.

Dave F. said...

NAMES? you wanted NAMES?
oh poo!

try naming your dog:
SHIRLEY
PRISCILLA

Teotihuacan
Balls
Toots (in honor of Toots Shore)

jason evans said...

The extreme celebration of evil this morning brings a tear to my eye.

Welcome, dark prince. And keep those entries coming!