For better scrolling...
I'm going to turn comment off on the previous thread so we can all post here.
Thanks!!
:-)
Friday, September 12, 2008
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Welcome to the Book Roast
Our Contests Use Only the Finest Ingredients
Authors Already Sliced and Served
Chris Eldin
Enjoys eating ice-cream, wearing elastic-waistband thongs, and pushing bunnies into canyons. Writes humorous middle-grade novels. Her current WIP is about three hundred cookie bags in. If you're a writer, you understand.
Diesel
Rob Kroese aka Diesel is a severed head floating in a vat. But fortunately he's pretty good with Photoshop.
Jason Evans
Is the mountain wanderer who works in the bustle of Philadelphia. In his writing and photography, he mixes one part moonlight, one part mid-life crisis, one part green countryside, and one part getting run down in the street. When not practicing law or working on his current project, So This Fish Walks Into a Cemetery, he serves as the Twilightkeeper at The Clarity of Night.
Sarah Laurenson
Type A writer, reader, volunteerer, liver; trying to be a human being rather than a human doing while doing too much. A study in contradictions and living life as a paradox - writes light, humorous middle grade and deep, edgy YA.
Shona Snowden
Likes black tea, Apple Macs and koalas in kilts. Shona's short stories have been published in Australia and the UK. She is working on a novel and sharpening her Author Toasting Fork, all the better to enjoy a good Book Roast.
The Dishwasher
Someone has to clean up around here, jump in when patrons become unruly, and otherwise help the chefs by adding special ingredients.
Antonio, the Assistant
Miss Susanna
Mystery Publisher, Ms. Sally Spitfire
Visitors
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133 comments:
Hi Everybody,
We're here now!
*scratches WO behind the ears*
Oh sure, cut me off.
Julie, I hope you kept some of those stories. I haven't tried my hand at children's books yet.
Oh! The shark. Must go feed the shark.
oh great my long ass comment disappeared.
I think Chris did that on purpose.
She only PRETENDS to be nice.
Like me.
Oh wait, no, I don't even pretend.
See, at least you're honest about it.
I pretend to be meaner than I am. Fortunately it works online.
Sorry!!!
Blogger does that? I really am sorry.
Geesh! And I find this out on Friday afternoon, after doing it all week.
I guess that's what Dave was talking about a few days ago.
Anything involving 10 year old protagonist is for a middle grade reader so a collection of those is called...a series.
Kids, particularly girls, that age love to collect things, particularly merchandise associated with books, so series are a very big item for that demographic.
I am not any meaner than I am online.
That said, I'm a total meanie...and I have the blog to prove it.
Enjoying the threads!
Yes, but you're likeable mean. Pleasant mean. There's a distinction between that an, well, just plain old mean.
I hate to say this, but I have to slither off to the office.
Well, I don't hate to go, I just hate to leave you all here without my wonderfullness ...ow! ow! dammit, who has the lightning bolt for oversize egos now!!!
I will be back later in the afternoon, 5ish eastern time full of crabbiness and venom....in other words, my normal self.
If I can pop in I will, but it will be unexpected moments of time at best.
Great, thanks for the info. All those journals I kept with their adevtures are now coming back to haunt them. 30 + yrs of big foot aliens..monster turtles LOL...you name it, those kids had some wild stories. Anyone with kids, start keeping track now cause it's a blast to embarass them.
Don't work too hard tody. It's been a fun morning visiting with everyone
Thanks, Janet--have a great day.
Thanks everybody---
It's Friday lunchtime--hope ya'll have a great martini day.
:-)
Well, bull corn. I thought we got shut down.
I have to go to work at 3:00 and won't be home until 1, 2 or 3 a.m, depending on how far behind we are.
Miss K. I think the stories are still around somewhere. I hope so, but with the move I can't find anything.
One of them I had a very talented artist illustrate. It's about a boy who dreams of having a tyrannosaurus rex for a pet.
Are you going to keep comments live?
It's Friday lunchtime--hope ya'll have a great martini day.
It's my birthday. I'm going out for lunch before I go to work, I think, but no drinking.
Happy birthday, Julie!
Happy Birthday!
Susan, would it be better if it was two sour cherries?
I know. I am a bad boy.
You should be spanked.
Speaking of drinking, I once tied a knot in a cherry, just like in the Amaretto commercial.
Once.
Happy Birthday!!
:-)
Book roast: We get more comments before 11am than most people get all week.
Happy Birthday, Julie!
{pouts that Janet went to go do some pesky work}
bill...Thanks! Great appetite suppressant!
Bill:
Gack.
Susan
Thanks all.
Janet-- I can get you as many copies as you like:
Attention Purveyor of Whiskey or Other Spirits:
Please be advised that Ms. Reid requires constant and immediate access to smooth and well-distilled ethanol-based products for medicinal reasons and for snake bites, due to unavoidable risks associated with her occupation.
If you have any questions regarding this directive, you may page me. However, that will only delay Ms. Reid's receiving necessary treatment and will leave you ultimately responsible for any resulting unfortunate outcomes.
Sincerely,
Kiddoc, M.D.
heh heh heh.
Bill:
You realize you've ruined that phrase now. Everytime Janet says it (and we all know it's often), I'm going to have gacky mental pictures.
I am too impressionable, clearly.
Well, at least I won't be alone now.
Here's my drinking story.
Back when I was young and dumb, as opposed to being old and dumb, I decided I wanted to ride bareback horses. This isn‘t the same as riding horses bareback. Bareback horses are bucking horses you ride with a rigging with a single handhold.
I went to the Miles City Bucking Horse Sale with some friends and commented about how much fun that would be. They encouraged me to ask the chute boss if I could get on one. He asked me if I was eighteen. I lied and told him I was so he let me sign a release and some cowboys loaned me some equipment.
My first horse flipped in the chute with me and mashed me like a grape. The second one I bucked off pretty quickly and buried my head in the ground, but I was hooked.
At that time there had never been a woman ride at the Sale. There are separate divisions for lady bronc riders now, but I was the first. I also swore my friends to secrecy so I wouldn’t get in trouble, but when it makes the news everywhere, the secret is pretty much out of the bag.
So I got on every practice horse I could to learn how to ride. When the Rapid City Bucking Horse Sale came around, I went to that one. I bucked off my first horse, but they said I could have another one the next day. I had broken my wrist, but didn’t realize it at the time. So I put some horse liniment on it, wrapped it up, took some pain pills and went on my merry way. I was the first woman to ride at Rapid City.
That night, a bunch of us decided to go down by the river and party. There were probably a dozen or more of us. Whiskey bottles were passing freely and there was a cooler of beer. One of the girls had an amazing voice so she played guitar and sang. We sat around the campfire, swapping cowboy stories, drinking, laughing and singing.
I had a few beers and a drink or two of whiskey, but not much. I was feeling mellow, but that’s about it. Some of he others were pretty plastered, though.
We decided to go back to the hotel about 3:00 and imagine our surprise to find the lobby filled with firemen and fire hoses going up this lovely old staircase. It had been an elegant hotel back in its day, but its day was long gone and the cheaper rates were perfect for a bunch of budget conscious cowboys.
I started up the stairs and one fireman stopped me. “Miss, you can’t go up there.”
“Do you have the fire out?”
“Well, yes, but you still can’t go up there.”
“I’m tired and I’m going to bed.”
The drunks were already staggering up the stairs while the gallant fireman tried to rescue me from disaster. A few others tried to stop the cowboys and their ladies, but it was like, well, herding cats. They finally gave up.
I’ve given up drinking now and riding bucking horses. Seems like I’ve given up just about every thing that’s fun. I do think about deadly handsome men from time to time.
I think I might hoist a few in Surrey in Janet’s honor. Drinks not men.
Right! Now we can stand in the corner together and try not to giggle when she says it.
Am so stuck in highschool. (but hey, I write YA, so that's okay! What's your excuse?)
Great story, Julie! I was only thrown off horses while sober.
While riding in Algeria with my dad, my horse grabbed the bit and took off. When I flipped off, she skidded to a halt and I landed on my feet in front of her with my arms wrapped around her neck. I think her knees were shaking more than mine.
Oh, I never rode bucking horses when I was drinking. It took me three years just to learn how to ride one well sober.
Hi! Being on the west coast is a disadvantage when you're all so verbose. It took me almost an hour just to get through all the back comments.
"When I flipped off, she skidded to a halt and I landed on my feet in front of her with my arms wrapped around her neck. I think her knees were shaking more than mine."
I can imagine. Horses don't like wrecks any more than we do.
after 38 yrs being married, I finally have my bucking horse trained...heh heh heh.
I still keep my spurs close, just in case he acts up.
ohhh you mean real horses ....
Janet’s a-s-s-s-s-sistant is not a snake like she alludes to on her blog. It’s a German shepherd she bartered away from an elderly blind woman in exchange for signed copies of her clients’ books. The pooch is now a K-9 used to sniff out prospective venues for Janet’s clients to promote their latest works.
Funniest whiskey story. I'm going to go with a mescal (think tequila but stronger) story instead. I bet those who know are surprised it's not a rum story.
In my younger days and while at a dance after a rodeo I slipped outside at the invite of a young lady who promised fun and good times in her truck along with a bottle of mescal.
Now this particular rodeo and reunion starts on Friday night and goes through until Saturday, but this being the bible belt all the drunken revelry has to be wrapped up by Sunday morning, otherwise it's a sin. Most participants camp for the weekend, including me and my buddies.
I was already a solid twelve pack along when I went to the truck with that "friendly" gal. Things get a might fuzzy from tha tpoint on.
When I say things I mean my memory not body parts.
The last thing I recall is finishing that bottle of booze and remarking that the worm was gone and I hadn't even notice it disappearing down my gullet.
The next day, Sunday, I woke up mid afternoon with a foul taste in my mouth and the shadow of buzzards circling overhead. My truck keys sat on my chest. The campground was deserted. As I got up I realized the knees of my Wranglers were torn and bloody scabs were underneath. I was also missing the cowboy boot from my left foot as well as most of the same sock. However the upper elastic containing portion of the sock still clung in ragged tatters to my calf.
It took me better than 5 hours to make the one hour trip home due to the urge to pull over and hurl every couple of miles.
When I got home and called my friend to ask why they left me there in that dusty field to die they sad they tried to get me up but I told them to go to hell. When I asked about the whereabouts of my missing boot they said it was gone when i staggered into camp at four in the morning. they said my knees were bleeding and I told them to go find my truck keys that some girl named Mandy had.
A week later i ran into a girl I knew from college named Mindy. She questioned me about the rodeo and mentioned a bottle of Mescal. I asked her how she knew about that she told me we drank it together.
"But her name was Mandy," I said.
"That's what you called me all night."
Mindy also claimed I left her truck right about 1 a.m. so my whereabouts for three hours were unaccounted for. She also said I had both boots when I departed her company.
Who knows where I was from 1 a.m. till 4. But it was shortly after that I got this compulsion to write,s o maybe I was hanging with an inebriated literary agent or something.
Janet, please return my boot.
Well, you might have been abducted by aliens you know. They are after cheap forms of endorphins..sounds like you had a few to spare.
Yeah, I betcha it was aliens..named Janet? Mindy? Mandy. wow what a night!
Maybe a dingo ate your boot.
gator or snake skin, the critter prolly took it back, travis! :O lol
Travis: As for my standing invitation to go out drinking together, I just remembered I have a root canal that just won't wait. Sorry, buddy. Maybe another time.
Travis's new title: "Poster Child for Sobriety."
Whisky's the worst one to laugh through your nose when you're rat-arsed.
Oh, Travis. I'm sorry about the boot, but I tend to keep them for souvenirs.
My stars that was funny. Oh to know you in your youth.
Back in the good old days we used to play cowboy softball.
There was a case of beer at every base and some whiskey floating around. If you made a base you got a beer. Of course, it was best to drink it quickly so you didn't have to run with it.
Outfielders were in dune buggies. There was a driver and a catcher. The catcher had to be in the dune buggy when they got the ball so it got a little western. It especially got wild after a few innings when everyone was feeling no pain.
We frequently went into overtime as the game wasn't over till the booze was gone.
Back in the early 80s, the Rocky Horror Picture Show played every Friday and Saturday night at the Little Art Theatre in Dayton, Ohio, which, the rest of the time, was a porn theatre.
So one night me and my buddies headed over to see the movie, and when we parked, the driver, a fellow named Dwight, said, "I have some wine if anyone wants any." He had one of those Spencer Gifts wineskins, fake suede with a plastic liner.
So Dwight lifted the skin, gave it a squeeze and took a big drink. He then handed the skin to Rick, in the front passenger seat who did the same. Rick handed the skin back to Brice, beside me, who took his own slug. Brice then handed me the skin.
So I unscrewed the cap and lifted the spout to my mouth. And here is the thing. Brice never screwed the cap back on after his drink, so why did I have to take it off? But I didn't think about that until it was too late.
The skin wasn't full of wine. It was full of 190 proof grain alcohol, so when I gave the skin a sturdy squeeze, I filled my mouth with the stuff. And since it was just about pure alcohol, it seemed to absorb almost instantly.
Haha, everyone had a good laff. "Bill, we totally set you up, and you fell for it! Dork!"
Within minutes, I was fully hammered, but managed to walk into the theatre. I vaguely recall the movie starting, and the usually Rocky Horror antics going on around me, but I was too out of it to participate. At some point I passed out, and didn't come to until the movie was over and people were filing out.
Of course, when I passed out, I face-planted onto the floor.
Of the Little Art Theatre, Dayton, Ohio.
Porn theatre.
More than twenty-five years have passed, but I still haven't forgiven my "friends."
ewwwwwwwww. there's not enough anti-bacterial soap in the world...
I heard an actor tell a story about playing El Gallo in THE FANTASTICKS in a tiny, tiny theater in the round. As he started singing the opening song "try to remember the kind of September..." and throw confetti over the audience, a drunk stood up, toasted the room with a bottle in a bag and them fell into his seat and passed out with the confetti sticking to his wet pants (yup, his bladder worked).
Kinda brings a tear to your eye for live theater, everywhere.
Come on Stephen, we could have a lot of fun.
Thanks for the comments on my very long post. I was worried no one would read it.
And sorry Chumplet, dingo's prefer babies to boots.
Was it still fun if you were so drunk you never ever remember it afterwards?
- a modern Zen koan
Dave, that brought a tear to my eye.
It'll soon be 5:00 Friday.
Travis, meet Bill.
Bill, meet Travis.
/waves at Travis
I'm back.
Sort of.
Three meetings back to back.
I need a drink.
SOON.
*hands Janet a drink*
Thank god. Yes you ARE my favorite client!!!
*hands Janet another drink*
MmmHmmm.
Well, I still have this one here, I didn't exactly throw it down the hatch, cowboy style.
On the other hand, where is my IV pole?
/tackles Susan before she can give another drink, provides drink in her stead!
I figured you could use back-up. Of course I could take that one back if--
Ouch. Okay, you keep it.
*throws glare at Bill, dusts self off*
Drat. I was hoping none of you were around.
Why is Susan lying on the ground moaning something that sounds like "please please, no more loin fruit baskets"??
::if I work this right I can be sozzled in mere momemtns::
*cracking up too much to type coherently*
pause as I pour a swig for myself and Joanna.
Cheers!
I'm having my first drink of the week.
Splurged and bought $20 bottle of wine instead of $5. Tastes the same when you're guzzling.
*waves at Joanna, offers her a drink too*
Oh heck, I should have one as well, don't ya think?
Jo will be joining us shortly.
I'm not drinking, but I'm self-medicating with M&Ms. Does that count?
I have to head home; Joanna is heading home (such a slacker girl!)
Back in about an hour.
Let's not forget folks — endless fun may also be had with the softest of drinks.
A couple of two litre bottles of Coke and one hundred dollar bet.
First one to gulp it down wins.
Makes Cool Hand Luke look like a guy who could take 50 boiled eggs.
Bye, Janet. Happy homeward-bounding.
And Whirl, I used to hear stories of the football team trying to drink an entire gallon of milk. Apparently it's impossible, and inevitably leads to vomiting. So naturally they tried it over and over.
Football guys love that sort of thing.
What's more fun than vomit? I would know, too. Of course, haven't cleaned any up yet so far today.
Why not call your local football team? I bet they've had plenty of practice.
I'd rather have vomit in my home than them.
It's certainly a better decorating option.
No whiskey stories by me, sorry, Chris.
I stick to wine, you see.
This very evening I consumed some of it, too - were having a party among the friends living here in the same street, but unfortunately nothing special happened.
I loved the protests your things came up with :))) were they *influenced* by any means...?
-just kidding!
Janet just downed two drinks. Will she get home okay?
She doesn't have to drive.
Well, she could walk into the wrong subway and end up in Flatbush or sumpin'.
You all have had a helluva day having fun! Wish I'd been here for it.
The movie, "BURN AFTER READING" HAS AN AUTHOR IN IT:
The bad news is delayed because of a swank affair they're having that evening for Sandy and Harry Pfarrer (Elizabeth Marvel and George Clooney). Sandy's a successful author of children's books; Harry is a U.S. marshal. Harry, though constructing one heck of a present for his wife in their basement, is having an affair with Mrs. Cox.
OH LORD....
Waiting for one of the CNN reporters to be hurled away by Hurricane Ike....
I haven't had my first drink yet. Not even a liquid lunch. It's quittin' time in about five minutes, then I'm heading for the booze bin.
Those darn authors and their affairs. Tsk, tsk...
Chumplet:
Yup. Still at work myself. 20 more minutes!!
Of course, no more Book Roast for me after that, though.
I'm sippin' my wine even as we sort of speak. About time, too.
Aw, Susan! No internets at home?
Oh, sure. It's just...you know, the family might want to actually talk to me. :)
Susan, Thanks so much for playing over here!
Don't know if anyone actually said hello to you. Bunch of ill-mannered hicks, we are.
:-)
Chumplet, and thank you also for keeping the conversation going!
Robin, If I see you around the blogs this weekend, I'm gonna personally kick your ass.
Robin! How are things? How's chapter ten?
Bah! Ignore them - that's what I do.
They tiptoe around me and whisper, "Shhhh... Mom's networking."
Oh, I just let my kids run wild, Susan. It works out.
And Chris! Wow! See, I told you you were mean ; )
Actually, I should be preparing a press release. Our newspaper gave the green light to do a profile on me. Yippee!
Chris:
It's been fun. Would that we could do it more often...
Drop in for next week's barbecue, Susan.
Kiersten,
I could kick your ass too. Just let me look for a reason...
:-)
Kiersten and Chumplet:
Well, hubby HAS been gone for a week. A little hard to wave him off with "No, must continue posting one-liners with people I've been posting one-liners with all day. Go about your business."
:)
Well, um, Kiersten (Chris already knows this....) Chapter 10 ain't even remotely done.
I've had the week from hell at work, girl - no writing time at all - and with the first weeks of school and both girls with me all the time when I'm not sitting on the toilet or passed out in bed - I haven't done a damn thing. No - I take that back. I did type 3 sentences or so in my notes 'to use' section.
In short, I suck.
But tomorrow, I'm going to sequester myself for most of the day, internet free, in the library...
Hope you're doing better than that, K!
Lator, gators!
Bye, Susan! Give your hubby lots of attention.
Chris, I have no doubt that you would. But--I am slightly tougher than my 4'11" would imply. However, I have yet in my life given anyone a reason to beat me up.
Robin, okay, I guess I'll let Chris threaten you then ; ) But hey, we all have off times, and you'll catch up again, I have no doubt. You haven't worked this long and come this far to crap out now ; )
As for me, I'm just stuck waiting. I know I should be working on something new, but all of the nerves really suck my creativity dry.
Not to mention being pregnant with Janet and EE's demon baby is really wearing me out. I hope this thing has a faster-than-normal gestation rate. Of course, I'm taking notes for the memoir.
Thanks, sweeite- that was nice to hear, except for the part about your nerves.
I haven't been there yet- not looking forward to that part.
Hold on. Hold the hell on.
What demon baby?
It's pretty bad, Robin. I'm a mess.
Oh, the demon baby. Well, I think most of it is in the last thread. I mentioned being willing to be the surrogate for their demon-spawn, and Janet agreed to represent me on the memoir after it's all over.
Well, I think EE should have told me before he agreed to do a demon baby thing with Janet.
I mean, I'd already offered myself up and all. OK, so I'm not from New York. OK, so I'm not an agent (a literary agent, anyway...)
I still think he owed me first dibs. Don't you?
Oh, Robin, this was all business. He wants a love child with you, not an agent-editor hybrid. Don't worry.
(Also, how much do you love Janet? She's so fun.)
I am back! Sushi in one paw, flagon of sake in the other. Oh wait, where's my Kindle?? Ah, here balanced on my head!
Ready!!!
LOL!! Kiersten, that was one funny story!! Your creative well is NOT dry!
The roasting bunch has been the best mannered mob I've ever seen.
You could teach some cocktail party attendees a thing or two!
Which show is better? THe Shield or The Wire?
I haven't watched either yet, but I have The Shield first few episodes from the library,
The roasting bunch has been the best mannered mob I've ever seen.
That's a horrible thing to say at a roast!
:-)
Umm, did you not see Chris threatening to beat us up?
And thanks, Chris. I can manage short spurts ; )
Never seen either, sorry. No cable. We opted for internet, instead, and aren't you glad?
Well, yes I did but that's just foreplay for a subway ride.
Haven't seen The Shield. The Wire is the best thing I've ever seen.
In fact, why am I not watching it now?
I suppose. We're calmer here in San Diego. Must be the weather.
Okay, everybody, please do not post.
Repeat.
Please do not post.
I'm going to shut off comments on this thread and open another thread.
Just give me a sec....
:-)
Janet, can you please share EE with me?
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