Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thursday's Special Is ... The Alien Abduction Handbook!


Order here from AudioBookMan.

Visit Peggy's website.





Roast Master Jason here for day two of our rock'em sock'em space theme!

Today, we're roasting Peggy Lee Johnson and her (decidedly nonfiction) book, THE ALIEN ABDUCTION HANDBOOK. God, if I only had that volume in my hands years ago. Seriously. I spend a fair amount of time isolated in the mountains, and you all know what happens up there. I have the 72 hybrid children/amoeba to prove it.

Seriously, Peggy is a blast. She gives more energy in a day than I've had since birth. For 15 years, she traveled all over the United States doing a living history, called Rendezvous. She has published six books and propelled felines into the 6th dimension with Cats in Space Magazine. I loved to learn that her writing space at home is called "The Bridge," and it's filled with Trekkie gear!

Peggy's latest book, THE ALIEN ABDUCTION HANDBOOK, was born from her abiding love of aliens. I'm ready to take notes, because I can't sit for more than five minutes at a time anymore. No more mountain trips for this human! The excerpt:

A common misconception among the human population is that we are going to abduct you when you are naked. No one is quite sure when or how this idea came to be. It can only be assumed that people have dreamed this during their nightmare dream state. It is a complete fallacy. After studying this matter for generations, the scientists aboard have made a few recommendations that they hope will help you plan for your abduction.

It is for your benefit that a majority of the Council recommends you go to bed early. This way, you will not be tired during your trip. They also recommend that you wear some type of loose-fitting clothing. They have no wish to see any more naked human forms. Take a few minutes and stand naked in front of a full length mirror. Think to yourself about what reflects back to you. Would you want that form to be the first thing that a visitor from another galaxy sees?

If you do not own a nice, flattering set of sleepwear, invest in some. Choose sleepwear preferably made of cotton, a renewable resource. It should also be noted that you are discouraged from wearing polyesters, or other man-made materials. Many of the man-made materials are highly flammable. Cotton holds up very well under duress. When possible, choose cotton.

Your visit may take awhile. The clothing that you wear during your abduction will be what you are photographed in. These photographs will become a permanent part of your record. Choose wisely. It is your file.

You may request access to your file while on-board. If you are not satisfied with said photograph, we will try to accommodate you, if possible. While all ships have state of the art digital capabilities, and technicians who are qualified to retouch photographs, this is not allowed. We apologize in advance. You may not have a copy to take back with you.

Carry-on luggage is forbidden. Do not pack extra clothing for the trip. If your clothing becomes soiled, there is a responsible party who maintains the laundry facility, and they can help you alleviate such stains.

In the past, abductees were allowed to bring small, battery-powered devices with them during an abduction. Some abductees abused this privilege, so we now forbid such devices.

We do not show up in cornfields, nor do we beam-in unannounced. We are civilized beings, and there are rules which we must follow. We will probably knock on your door as if we were a limo driver. In a sense, we are. We will introduce ourselves, and make sure that you have followed all instructions. The initial trip to the mother ship is very short. We have small transports to take you there. Please note, there are no stewardesses on board.

Once we reach our destination, our doctors will spend a few minutes with each of you. We have gone to great lengths to make this experience enjoyable for all. Rest assured that we take every precaution; your memory of this will be completely erased upon your return. I am sure you have heard your politicians reaffirm this fact when they say, “I do not recall.”


Are you ready for the contest?? Abduct the following questions, and return them unharmed with some spanking answers! (Or just hang out and chat. That's cool too!)
****************************

  1. In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction? (Example: oh, my homework? Sorry. Alien abduction.)

  2. If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.

  3. ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?

****************************
Come back this weekend for a clip of an alien narrating this passage! In the meantime, be sure to check out Peggy's book trailer HERE.

62 comments:

jason evans said...

Unless you've all suddenly disappeared without a trace, it's time to re-light the space party!! Contest open!

Shona Snowden said...

Ah, Peggy. I've been waiting for this one.

So what type of pyjamas do you choose ? And do you wear the protective headgear in bed?

peggy said...

whew, wow am I late..or is it early.I told them guys to have me back , but did they listen? No.
Okay, Jammies,I like the ones with footies built in!

ChrisEldin said...

Good Morning Everyone!

I've always wanted to meet an alien!!

I'm excited because this is the first audio book we've highlighted here!! I can't wait to hear how an alien sounds!
:-)

peggy said...

be afraid, be very afraid ;)

Anonymous said...

Um, Peg? When I went to Roswell a merchant there sold me a neon spandex space suit, she said was custom made for intergalactic excursions.....but you say I might flare up like a roman candle if I wear it?

AstonWest said...

Dealing with space aliens myself, this definitely sounds like a fun one! I only wish I could stick around all day, but unfortunately, Real Life is going to get in the way.

<<1. In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction?>>

When my wife wonders where I've been..."Dear, I would have made it to your sister's birthday party, but those darn aliens got me again."

<<2. If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.>>

My better half.

Return is optional, but would be appreciated if there was some sort of enhancement done during the abduction. Their call...

<<3. ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?>>

Obviously, we should try to keep this clean for the kids, but with fingers like that, ET was *definitely* up to something, and something no good. I mean, look how long it took for Drew Barrymore to get over her experience. Yikes!

peggy said...

hahaha..you guys are so funny!

peggy said...

Everybody be sure to check your nightstand..thats where the book will be..if You are next!

Whirlochre said...

1. In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction? (Example: oh, my homework? Sorry. Alien abduction.)

Whenever I've been abducted by aliens. Kinda throws people off the scent while I get to play around with the toys.

2. If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.

They're welcome to the soft tissue on the outside of my skull for Hallowe'en — that way, everyone gets to dress up real scary.

3. ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?

About two foot three, as I recall.

(My fave Christmas cracker joke from last year...

Q: What's ET short for?
A: 'Cos he's got little legs.

peggy said...

hahaha, little legs...good one!

jason evans said...

Okay, you got me with the ET joke, Whirlorche! :D

Morning Peggy! Morning everyone!

peggy said...

all that puter trouble I had yesterday stayed with me till 4 am this morning..myself I think them aliens didnt want me to expose them!
Good morning to you too Jason!

Charles Gramlich said...

In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction? (Example: oh, my homework? Sorry. Alien abduction.)

ANSWER: I use it to explain why I eat so much. I'm feeding an alien embryo that was implanted in my belly.

If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.

ANSWER: I'd select the appendix, or the tonsils, both of which I still have. They need not return either. both are rather well used by now.


ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?

ANSWER: I do believe he was. I heard he with a terrorist group advocating redistribution of wealth in the form of Reeses Pieces.

peggy said...

wow, an embryo huh, you try out for the new alien movie? LOL
chocolate! I knew chocolate was involved!

jason evans said...

Peggy, are there particular areas to frequent if you want to maximize your chances of being selected for abduction? Like Stuckey's rest stops or all night hot dog stands?

Sarah Hina said...

Peggy, this is such a fun book! As a former X-Files fanatic, you had me hooked from the get-go. :)

Now for those questions...

1) "Honey, I'd love to. But I'm a bit, er, sore, because of the probing and all."

2) They could have my hair. They obviously need it, and it's caused nothing but frustration for me. Yeah, keep it. Sorry it's not blonde, though. The pasty gray skin might look nicer with some platinum locks.

3) ET just wanted those Reeces Pieces. The chocolate/peanut-butter lust was his downfall. I can empathize, though.

Sarah Hina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
peggy said...

Well, if you REALLY want to get abducted, you have to have an abundent supply of endorphins..you know they are here on a harvesting mission. :)

peggy said...

Now ya have to remember this is all what IT told me would happen, I seem to have a habit of forgetting after my Trips :)

Brenda Hubbard said...

It's without a doubt that you're one of the funniest writers I've ever come across. You're writing is so purely you.

As to what part of me I'd want abducted...ALL OF ME! Why waste the use of a good human.

So if you could transport yourself anywhere to the world, where would it be and why?

peggy said...

True waste not want not they always say!

well, I already did that and ended up here in Patch Grove, one of the cylinders is backfiring a tad. Wait thats the transporter not the aliens fault :)
Thanks for the kind word Brenda :)

Brenda Hubbard said...

I thought I'd answer all three questions instead of just the one in my previous post. This is too fun to pass up!

Q: In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction?

A:Honestly, Honey, it swooped down from the sky and the little green men took me away. I am NOT having an affair!

Q: If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.

A: To reiterate my last entry. They can take all of me, why waste the use of a good human specimen. And they can keep me, I need a vacation from the kids, probing sounds like a walk in the park compared to my kids.

Q:ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?

A: ET heard if the Hunchback could make it with the girls on earth, he would give it a shot!

peggy said...

hunchback! LOLOL.

Anonymous said...

She screamed, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

I reply, "Little Green Women abducted me, took me aboard, probed and tried me many ways, made me dinner and sent me back here."

Snarling, "FU! You played a second round of golf"


If Aliens want any part of me, it should be the heart. Its taken me many places.

Would I want it back? Nah, I'll just abuse it.


E.T. was on a secret mission to become Paris's new BFF and just missed the Time Trip by 30 years.


I have long enjoyed your feline view of sci-fi and will want to read this newest edition.

peggy said...

Why thankyou Anon LOL.

hahaha, Paris's new BFF ..thats funny!

Clea Simon said...

Peggy! Can't you cover that poor cat's other ear? The aliens can get in!!

peggy said...

clea LOL..this is our spare one, you know while we're watching tv. We sleep in our extra coverage heavy duty aluminum foil :)

peggy said...

Heres one for you guys...have you ever seen a ufo?

Chancelucky said...

Yes, we went for fast food the other night and I definitely saw and even ingested a UFO. That is if you mean unidentified frying object.

peggy said...

Eggzackly! What was that thing! It's a bird, it's a salad, It's roadkill..deep fried. ;)

laughingwolf said...

TKKOE79@765NDP*&%%P PEGGY!

1. circumstances: MUWWDFJYYTRR

2. part: PI8TMMKDT [ONLY]

3. ET: FRAUD

Brenda Hubbard said...

To be honest, I have seen a UFO. When I was a teenager I was outside at night, and in the sky was this flickering light. It moved up and down then side to side. It wasn't an airplane that's for sure, since I have no idea what it was I've always said I've seen a UFO. It didn't make any sound either, so I'm going to ask you Peggy, did I really see a UFO?

peggy said...

TKKOE79@765NDP*&%%P PEGGY!

1. circumstances: MUWWDFJYYTRR

2. part: PI8TMMKDT [ONLY]

3. ET: FRAUD

Okay I give..without the use of a universal translator, for which I am not allowed to remove from their ship...huh? wanna translate :)

peggy said...

Hey Brenda, of course there are UFO's. Why even they mentioned in the handbook that the creator was smart enough to make more than one inhabited planet, and sure they may look different, variety is the spice of life :)

Brenda Hubbard said...

My minor sighting was nothing compared to the whoopla my siblings witnessed. It came from the sky, a fire light that glowed massive colors of purple, orange, red and white. Police we're called, fire trucks came. It landed in a wooded area next to our house. Guess what it was? It was a piece of a meteorite, but I'm telling you it caused major excitement in our small Nova Scotia Canada community. Oh yes and about an hours drive from here is the UFO sighting in Shag Harbour. Books have been written and it's become quite the tourist site. Maybe ya oughta come visit it sometimes!

peggy said...

hey! thats in Memoirs of an alien, I remember that!

Brian Jay Jones said...

I was actually abducted by the Tekwanidans, and put back together to resemble myself, with no flaws whatsoever.

Please excuse my English, it is very tasty.

peggy said...

Haha, better tha new huh? I always liked that about them, very handy. They'll cure ya kill you...so I've read anyway ;)

jason evans said...

I've been working on Laughingwolf's code, but so far, nothing.... Not sure if it's of Terran origin. I'll keep you posted.

peggy said...

Ratts, sure wish they'd let me borrow the translator, the poops!

laughingwolf said...

sorry peggy, THAT would be telling, and you know what MOM sez 'bout stuff like that! ;) lol

no intergalastrick decoder required, just ask your fuzzy, four-legged companion!

and #3 is self-evident, no? :O beep beep

peggy said...

of course, I get #3 Fraud..
F= Furry critters
R=Ready for anything
A=Anytime
U=Under
D=Duress!
They told me that one already ;)
Sure glad they've figured out how to use my graphics tablet...where would I be?

Phoenix said...

I've seen plenty of UFOs. Trouble is, other people always seem to be able to identify them. Maybe I just need new glasses.

Personally, I think all our cats are little alien fuzzballs...

peggy said...

you may be right! how else are they able to use my tablet thingie? I saw it in their eyes!
I ascared!

ChrisEldin said...

My kids are watching every UFO show they see.
They want to think like 'scientists' but the romance of space is too strong.

One of my favorite movies is "Contact." Well, I love Jodi Foster anyway, but couple that with a Carl Sagan book, and it's sublime.
;-)

peggy said...

Thats really neat about your kids and TV, it's our kids who will hold the furure of space in their hands. I know the book seems like a joke, but in a way it was/is my way of telling folks, it's okay. I think they are there..I believe the creator can and did do it. I so wish to be there...for my next abduction, of course :)

Isn't funny about Carl, never did come out and admit anything yet wrote a story that shows us..it is posible.

Shona Snowden said...

I think my son wants to be an astronaut, as well as a professional soccer player, hairdresser and a member of the backing band on Australian Idol.

When it's time for high school, I'm really not sure what subjects to guide him towards.

peggy said...

guiding kids, man thats hard..my oldest wanted to be a computer programmer..now he's a medical design engineer.. kinda worked out. My youngest son..he wanted to be a superhero.. well, he's a silversmith and a pirate on week ends LOL.. funny..theres no way we can guide them LOL. my younest does living history displays of silversmithing etc.
Both are huge science buffs.
God help us all who are parents LOL.

laughingwolf said...

dang peggy, MOM did love you best!:O lol

[thx dick n tommy]

peggy said...

no Mom loved you best!
boo hoo..
;)

peggy said...

hey everyone, I forgot to mention..my puter really died yesterday, my only email that is working until I figure out how to get them back is
satellitelady@htcomp.net.
Just thought I'd mention this..I wasn't kidding...something or someone tried to stop me from being here..
Now, where were we?

laughingwolf said...

who are you, again? ;) lol

peggy said...

I forget. remind me :)

jason evans said...

Sorry, I got waylaid at work!!

We're a bit over time for the contest, so let me declare it closed.

Peggy, thanks so much for a great day!! If you could choose your winner, that would be great! I know everyone had a blast.

peggy said...

I had a wonderful time and It is so hard to pick a winner.. Whirlochre with his ET joke
Laughing Wolf with is words of wisdom from the stars. (whatever the hell they were :)
Shona and her baby astronauts

I could go on.
so let me toss a coin
Shona and Laughing wolf..for having the courage to hang in there, for great answers and for just being fun!
Anonymous, and Brenda...you guys rock!

Thank you all for being so kind today.

ey whats that brigght light..HEY!!!
Whose that at the door,...
Hey..crap!
what kindda thing is that at the window...


no no no..I didn't tell, honest, no I don't wannaa...goooooo.

ChrisEldin said...

Peggy, Thanks so much for playing with us!!

But....I have to be honest and say I'm not sure who the winner is. Sounds like an alien is trying to give away all your books. Sorry, but you have to pick (one) favorite alien-wannabe.
:-)

peggy said...

Shona...
sorry isp went off last night :)

peggy said...

email me with your address at
satellitelady@htcomp.net
I wish I could give everyone a audio book!

laughingwolf said...

peggy, thx for a fun time... and grats, shona! :D

Shona Snowden said...

While I need to learn more about aliens in order to support my son's ambitions, alas, as a Roast Master I'm ineligible for prizes.

Peggy, hope your computer is working...pick again oh exalted one!

peggy said...

Well pooh Shona, well then I am gonna pick Charles! My emails are all working again, so Charles you handsome creature..You win! send me your address and I'll send it right off!