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Roast Master Jason here for day two of our rock'em sock'em space theme!
Today, we're roasting Peggy Lee Johnson and her (decidedly nonfiction) book, THE ALIEN ABDUCTION HANDBOOK. God, if I only had that volume in my hands years ago. Seriously. I spend a fair amount of time isolated in the mountains, and you all know what happens up there. I have the 72 hybrid children/amoeba to prove it.
Seriously, Peggy is a blast. She gives more energy in a day than I've had since birth. For 15 years, she traveled all over the United States doing a living history, called Rendezvous. She has published six books and propelled felines into the 6th dimension with Cats in Space Magazine. I loved to learn that her writing space at home is called "The Bridge," and it's filled with Trekkie gear!
Peggy's latest book, THE ALIEN ABDUCTION HANDBOOK, was born from her abiding love of aliens. I'm ready to take notes, because I can't sit for more than five minutes at a time anymore. No more mountain trips for this human! The excerpt:
A common misconception among the human population is that we are going to abduct you when you are naked. No one is quite sure when or how this idea came to be. It can only be assumed that people have dreamed this during their nightmare dream state. It is a complete fallacy. After studying this matter for generations, the scientists aboard have made a few recommendations that they hope will help you plan for your abduction.
It is for your benefit that a majority of the Council recommends you go to bed early. This way, you will not be tired during your trip. They also recommend that you wear some type of loose-fitting clothing. They have no wish to see any more naked human forms. Take a few minutes and stand naked in front of a full length mirror. Think to yourself about what reflects back to you. Would you want that form to be the first thing that a visitor from another galaxy sees?
If you do not own a nice, flattering set of sleepwear, invest in some. Choose sleepwear preferably made of cotton, a renewable resource. It should also be noted that you are discouraged from wearing polyesters, or other man-made materials. Many of the man-made materials are highly flammable. Cotton holds up very well under duress. When possible, choose cotton.
Your visit may take awhile. The clothing that you wear during your abduction will be what you are photographed in. These photographs will become a permanent part of your record. Choose wisely. It is your file.
You may request access to your file while on-board. If you are not satisfied with said photograph, we will try to accommodate you, if possible. While all ships have state of the art digital capabilities, and technicians who are qualified to retouch photographs, this is not allowed. We apologize in advance. You may not have a copy to take back with you.
Carry-on luggage is forbidden. Do not pack extra clothing for the trip. If your clothing becomes soiled, there is a responsible party who maintains the laundry facility, and they can help you alleviate such stains.
In the past, abductees were allowed to bring small, battery-powered devices with them during an abduction. Some abductees abused this privilege, so we now forbid such devices.
We do not show up in cornfields, nor do we beam-in unannounced. We are civilized beings, and there are rules which we must follow. We will probably knock on your door as if we were a limo driver. In a sense, we are. We will introduce ourselves, and make sure that you have followed all instructions. The initial trip to the mother ship is very short. We have small transports to take you there. Please note, there are no stewardesses on board.
Once we reach our destination, our doctors will spend a few minutes with each of you. We have gone to great lengths to make this experience enjoyable for all. Rest assured that we take every precaution; your memory of this will be completely erased upon your return. I am sure you have heard your politicians reaffirm this fact when they say, “I do not recall.”
Are you ready for the contest?? Abduct the following questions, and return them unharmed with some spanking answers! (Or just hang out and chat. That's cool too!)
- In what circumstance do you tend to give the excuse of alien abduction? (Example: oh, my homework? Sorry. Alien abduction.)
- If aliens would be happy abducting part of you, which part would you choose? Also specify whether you want it returned.
- ET (The Extraterrestrial)...was he up to something?
Come back this weekend for a clip of an alien narrating this passage! In the meantime, be sure to check out Peggy's book trailer HERE.