Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tuesday's Special Is...Mercury Falls!

MERCURY FALLS by Robert Kroese

Rob, aka Diesel, is one of the newer members of the Book Roast team, but his style and brand of humor have made him fit right in! We've appreciated his help and support, and think he has a darn good book! Plus, he uses his wicked computer skills to keep Google, Inc. up and running. Without further ado, let's sit back and peek inside the briefcase...

It's the end of the world – again – and this time Christine Temetri is paying attention.

Signs of the Apocalypse? Yawn. The End of Days? Please. In case of rapture, please leave a message. Years of covering the antics of End Times cults for The Banner, a religious news magazine, have left Christine not only jaded but seriously questioning her career choice.

That is, until she meets Mercury, an anti-establishment angel who’s frittering his time away whipping up batches of Rice Krispy Treats and perfecting his ping-pong backhand instead of doing his job: helping to orchestrate Armageddon. With the end near and angels and demons debating the finer political points of the Apocalypse, Christine and Mercury accidentally foil an attempt to assassinate one Karl Grissom, a thirty-seven-year-old film school dropout about to make his big break as the Antichrist.

Meanwhile, fundamentalist firebrand Harold Giddings has heard The Call: denounce Karl to the world and unleash the Apocalypse. But was it God or the devil who dialed his number?

Christine’s betting her soul that Harold got his wires crossed. Now, to save the world, she's got to outsmart Harold, negotiate the byzantine bureaucracies of Heaven and Hell, and convince the apathetic Mercury to take a stand, all the while putting up with the obnoxious mouth-breathing Antichrist.

Visit Rob here.

Read more about Rob's book here.

Excerpt from MERCURY FALLS

The Antichrist was clearly out of his element.

All that was really expected of him was to cut the ceremonial ribbon in front of the newest Charlie’s Grill, but he was having difficulty with the giant ceremonial scissors. Finally, he bit into an edge with his teeth and tore the ribbon the rest of the way. Red-faced and drenched with sweat in the 100 degree heat, he muttered an obscenity and stomped off.

The crowd cheered this display of mildly Satanic behavior.

“The Antichrist, Karl Grissom!” shouted a diminutive man who had presumably been standing next to Karl the entire time.

The crowd clapped politely for the Antichrist and the man they assumed was the Antichrist’s dwarf henchman, but was, in fact, the director of marketing for Charlie’s Grill, Inc. The dwarf henchman marketing director proceeded to hand out free cheeseburgers while the Antichrist made his way to the parking lot. A local high school marching band began to play a jazzed up version of the Charlie Nix movie theme.

Behind a line of police tape, in the parking lot of the Burger Giant next door, a group of several dozen protesters held signs with slogans like “Pray for Karl Grissom” and “Karl Grissom GO TO HELL.” Despite their lack of both logical consistency and complimentary cheeseburgers, they were a spirited group.

Having fulfilled his contractual obligations as Antichrist, Karl plodded through the crowd toward his mother’s Saturn. This whole business was getting a little old. He had half a mind just to call it quits. And at this point he didn’t even know about the man with a high-powered rifle who was lying in wait on the roof of the Burger Giant.

The man’s name was Danny Pilvers. Danny was wearing army camouflage and had his cross-hairs trained on Karl Grissom, the Antichrist. As Danny was on the opposite side of the roof from the crowd and was making a point of being very still, no one seemed to have noticed him.
Danny’s hands shook, not because he was afraid, but because he was angry. He was angry with Karl the Antichrist. He was angry with Katie Midford and her dwarf henchmen. He was angry with Charlie Nix, despite the fact that Charlie Nix was only a twelve year old boy, and a fictional one at that. Danny was angry at all of these people because he believed that they made a tapestry of religion. Hadn’t the angels told him so?

The angels had not, in fact, told him so. What they had said was “travesty.” In fact, they had repeated it several times. “A travesty,” they said. “A travesty of religion.” Finally they had given up, satisfied that Danny understood the gist of what they were saying.

Danny took a deep breath, trying to steady his hands. “A tapestry of religion,” he muttered, and flicked off the gun’s safety.

Please answer the following question to win a $15 gift certificate to Amazon:

What is the best religion?
Okay, that's not the real question.

The real question is:

What kind of car should Satan be driving?


Chris Eldin said...

Good Morning Everyone!

Feeling a little devilish lately?
;-) Anything you'd like to share?

robkroese said...

Wow, this is a surprise! Glad I got up early this morning.

I may not be the most vocal participant today -- I injured my hand and typing is a b*tch. But I'll be checking in to read all your fantastic comments. :)

Chris Eldin said...

Morning Rob,

So..... the question every writer gets, where did you get the idea for this book? It sounds like a lot of fun!!

Stephen Parrish said...

I like the first question!

As for the second: An AMC Gremlin. Remember those?

Anonymous said...

I'm fairly certain The Prince of Darkness drives a Hummer.

I have to disagree with Stephen. I'm pretty sure Jesus drives a Gremlin. After all, that's what Wayne and Garth drive!

robkroese said...

Thanks, Chris. The idea behind the book is the possibility that maybe angels are just as confused about good & evil, purpose and meaning as human beings are. The only difference is that they have this massive bureaucracy that is always telling them what to do. I thought it would be funny if an angel - Mercury - just decided, "to hell with it," and started just doing whatever he felt like doing. Of course, then he gets pulled into this whole business with the Antichrist, and he starts having a hard time remaining neutral.

Stephen - I can see him creating the Gremlin, but driving one?

strugglingwriter - Impractical? Ostentatious? Wasteful? Sounds like a strong contender. :)

Unknown said...

I'm pretty sure he would drive a Prius. You know, just to mess with the environmentalists.

Diesel, are you eligible for this contest?

Sarah Laurenson said...

Religion? Hah! Great day to ask me that one... Moving on...

I think the car should be The Thing. Not many of those still around and it's the bad man's answer to the Pope-mobile.

Great excerpt, Diesel!

Charles Gramlich said...

Satan drives the car from White Zombie's song "Black Sunshine."

Scott Oglesby said...

I love the book premise Rob, you may have a winner!
I think the dark prince would drive either a very George Stark-ish Toronado, or a 72 Monte Carlo. Although a used Saturn with ‘soccer mom’ bumper stickers might work even better!

Rachel said...

I was snickering through this whole thing thinking I just might have to get out and find this book to read asap, then the decision was made for me when I saw "mouth-breathing Antichrist," there is no possible way I will miss this book! The dreaded "mouth-breather" label is my catch-all for obnoxious people, now they will become known as mouth-breathing Antichrists even though they are probably not actual Antichrists. :)

By coincidence I also thought Satan would drive a Thing so I second Sarah's vote. It must be a convertible though so s/he can show off those lovely horns (on the head not the steering wheel).

Oliver said...

Satan would, of course, drive a red lambo.

Chris Eldin said...

Starting to wish we could give away a car here at the Grill...

Dave Fragments said...

Satan drives a Daihatsu Terios and not one of those mega-horsepowered, flame-red heart-stopping sports cars. Further, he never uses a Harley Davidson Motorcycle because he can't do mechanic's sork worth (poo-poo) and you know hopw Harleys break down every few miles... Instead he rides a Vespa.

But, you say, Satan is Ruler of the underworld and this cannot be? HAH! I say, up here, he's all temptation but no action, all hat and no cattle, balls-to-the-wall in Hell and Chicken-Diaper-Boy on Earth.

But that's just my opinion.

Joel B. said...

Um...I'm going to narrow down MacTipper's a little more and say a Lamborghini Diablo would be Satan's wheels of choice.

Also, I've had the pleasure of reading Mercury Falls...it's fantastic. Simple excerpts don't do it justice.

robkroese said...

Thanks, everybody! Typing with one hand, so will keep it brief. Keep the answers/comments coming, and be sure to sign up over at mercuryfalls.net if you want to be alerted when the book comes out.

KR said...

Hmmm...the book sounds great!!
As for the car, I think satan would have an 18 wheeler. The kind with the cool paint job so the grill looks like teeth and flames down the side of the truck. Nothing like free advertising!!!


Bunk Strutts said...

Satan drives a 1954 Mercury chopped and channeled, lowered and louvered, with flat black paint, including the chrome. And glas-packs. And a Jack-In-The-Box antenna ornament, also painted black.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

Love the excerpt. What fun this story is. I think Satan drives a classic Bugatti roadster. The man has old-fashioned aesthetics and appreciates style with performance. Plus, he hates being judged as shallow and crude. He has issues.

Unknown said...

A hearse.

Kit Walker said...

Although my instinct is to say the devil drives a Hummer, the most obnoxious car on earth, I'll have to go with the Pinto. Driving around with that possibility of a fiery explosion makes it the perfect vehicle for satan.

Jackie B. said...

The book sounds great.
The devil probably drives a Ford Explorer. That is why they have so many recalls!He actually owns stock in the company!

Chris Eldin said...

OMG, somebody said PINTO!! Now, that is an OLD car!!

Two more hours to get your answers in!!! Keep 'em coming!

robkroese said...

Great entries so far... keep 'em coming! :)

ScottA said...

I think the Devil would drive around in a 1937 Mercedes 300 convertible. If it was good enough for a Nazi Staff car then it's good enough for old Nick.

Shona Snowden said...

A tapestry of religion! I like.

A tank. It's more fun in car parks.

Chris Eldin said...

Hey everyone,

I'll let the Devil himself close this contest!

Rob, I know you're on Cali time, so whenever you'd like to close, please feel free and go ahead.

Until then, everyone's welcome!!!

katherine. said...

Satan would drive a hybrid.

robkroese said...

Sorry for the delay; just got back from dinner.

Ok, I'm going to have to go with strugglingwriter. It seems to me that Satan would want a bloated, flashy vehicle that would waste money and crush anything else in its path. That's either a Michael Bay film or a Hummer.

Struggling, email me at diesel -at- mattresspolice.com to claim your prize.

Thanks to everybody else for participating as well. And please, do sign up at mercuryfalls.net if the book sounds interesting to you.


sage said...

I was going to say Pinto, but someone beat me to it, but since some seem to think the Antichrist is suppose to be eastern Europe, I'll go with a Yugo-so he better hurry up and get armeggadon on the roll cause there ain't many left running!

This reminds me of a book I once started... "Left Behind in Denny's"

Bunk Strutts said...

@Dave F: "Chicken-Diaper-Boy?" heh. In a Pinto.

Chris Hutchcroft said...

No two ways about it, Satan drives a reindeer-powered sleigh... or was that Santa?

Anonymous said...

Awesome! I sent you an email Rob!

Dr. Oliver Clozoff said...

I'm pretty sure Satan drives a 1964 AMC Ambassador station wagon.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, I do love your Karl. He cracks me up.

Hope your gout retreats, King Henry VIII.